My Snow Dispatch
14 Feb 2008
Dear Snow,
You and I have known each other for many years now, and we're both well
aware that it's been a strained acquaintanceship. One is tempted
to characterize our relationship as a stormy one, but that might launch
an avalanche of meteorological puns, and that's not really what I'm
about, at least not today. No. Nor will I resort to any
name calling, tempting though the term "flake" and the phrase "frozen
pointy-head" may be.
Instead, I'm writing to you because I want to make things better between us. I'd like to open up the channels of communication and improve
our relationship. We may never be close, you and I. We're
too different in personality, outlook, and temperature. But
perhaps we can come to some kind of agreement. Or at least
establish better boundaries. They're very healthy, you know.
Boundaries, that is. Your reputation is that you don't
respect them, but that doesn't discourage me entirely. We're all
capable of change.
Before we take a look at limits, though, let me take a moment to share
with you some well-deserved praise. Given your family situation,
you're really quite remarkable. Sleet and Freezing Rain? You're nothing
like them. You pulled yourself up by your boot straps and rose
above all that. I've got to give you that. Furthermore,
when you put your mind to it, you're not bad looking, especially when
you're fresh. And the kids love you. You've always been so
good with the kids.
But....
We both know full well you're not just a sparkly, avuncular guy.
You've got a dark side. You're unpredictable, and you've
got a tendency to overdo it. Further, you are what I might call
"etiquette-challenged": you show up without adequate notice, you
arrive at inconvenient times, and you frequently overstay your welcome.
Surely you must see it's time for some limit-setting. So
here goes:
- In my corner of the world, please limit yourself to no more than
one visit per ten to fourteen days during the months of November, December, January,
and February. No more surprise visits in October; and if you
could do away with your "I'm sure they'd like me to stick around well into March!" attitude, we'd all feel better about the time that we do spend together.
- Please avoid major holidays. I know that you love the holidays, and
that you're just trying to make us happy, but frankly it doesn't
work. Even when you plan ahead and come early, or hold off a bit and
come late, still, it interferes with travel plans. Please spend the
holidays with your own family instead.
- Arrive primarily in a quantity of one to two inches. Avoid arrivals greater than six inches. Please
limit your six-inch appearances to twice per season, both with plenty
of advance notice and with at least 6 weeks between the two visits.
In return, you may make one fifteen- to twenty-inch visit each
decade, provided that you do not land on driveways of houses that do
not have snowblowers.
- For your two larger visits, please adhere to the following schedule:
Begin your arrival around noon on a Wednesday. Deposit up
to, but no more than, 2.5 inches prior to the children's bus trip home.
(This ensures their safe passage as well as their joy in your
arrival.) Deposit your remainder prior to 5 a.m. the following
morning. This arrival schedule will aid in timely snow removal on
major roadways, and will also help me personally. The snowplows
often don't come to our neighborhood for several days, and mine is a
smaller car. The large wheels of the bus on a Wednesday afternoon
and the large wheels of the trash truck, which just so happens to come
on Thursdays, will help compact the snow enough that I can make it out
to the main road.
- A word about school Snow Days. I know you think they're a PR
boon for you. The kids love you already, and then you go and
cancel school for them. Whoo-hoo! Aren't You Great!
It's gotta feel good, all
that adulation (especially on top of the fame of having
your cancellation stats run along the bottom of the TV screen all
morning). But do you really think you're winning the kids' hearts
and minds in the long run? You think they won't eventually see
through your manipulative behavior? They'll grow up someday, you
know, and your luster will fade. They'll have jobs to go to and
things to do, just like the rest of us. They'll forget that
childhood joy and grow to resent you. So give it up with the Snow
Day ploy.
- And for heaven's sake, if you do
cancel school, would you please make sure that you are in a
packable form at that time, so we can at least get a snowman or two out
of it? Is that too much to ask?
- As to your "blowing and drifting" tendency, it's very
inconsiderate. Please refrain from further indulgence in that
particular behavior.
- And finally, a word about the company you keep. I realize
that you and your pal Gray Skies go way back, but your association with
GS does nothing to boost your social standing. Have you
considered spending more time with Sun? Now that's a friendship that shows you in your best light.
In closing, I want you to know that I don't mean to be cold-hearted in laying this all out
for you. You do have redeeming qualities, and I'm not trying to
dismiss those. It's just the overall package that sometimes
doesn't work for me. Once you've managed to get your behavior under
control, we'll all be glad to have you stick around for a while.
We've got cross-country skis, you know, and we love to use 'em;
and there's always the fun of building those aforementioned
snowmen.
Just remember: once March arrives, you are outta here!
Respectfully yours,
Debbie Diesen